Melbourne, City of Sport

The way I see it, the Olympics have to come to Melbourne at some point. We’re the world’s second-most livable city, we have lovely architecture, the coffee is the best in the whole world and we have trams. Everyone loves trams! They’re the number one way to get around, in my humble opinion!

Plus, Melburnians are obsessed with sport, despite our strong background and interest in the arts. We have it all, you might say. Theatres, art galleries, all of that stuff, but also full-equipped sporting grounds with the best sports netting money can buy. Yes, even our netting is the best, and this despite the ‘big’ sport here being football, which does not use nets.

The people of the world are going to have to adapt on that one. Obviously Aussie rules football is going to have to be added to the Olympic roster if and when they come to Melbourne. They will ask “mon ami, tomodachi, amigo, where are the football nets?” And I will say “My French, Japanese and Mexican friends, we do not have those, except for practice.”

Soccer is a big deal is ALL those countries, so that’ll throw them a little bit. And that’s how Australia is going to win all the gold medals outside of swimming. The hope after that is that everyone will enjoy it so much that football will be added to all the rest of the Olympics from then onwards, although maybe they’ll add sports netting just to keep everyone happy and comfortable. Just big old nets hanging from the goalposts, so commentators can still say ‘he really kicked the ball right into the net!” instead of having to talk about kicking it through the sticks. And then Melbourne’s AFL netting industry will boom and be even better than it is now.

See, it’s true what they say: the Olympics promotes economic growth and cultural enrichment. Also, winning. Having it in Melbourne will promote so much winning.