Today I was stopped in the street by someone who asked if I wanted to talk about kitchen renovations. And naturally, I said yes. I said that I’d been calling the council for weeks now about all these things in my kitchen that don’t seem to do anything, and it was about time someone got back to me, even if it was in the middle of the street. And I told that fellow in no uncertain terms that I wanted a dragon-heated oven, that silly little whirring box to be removed (it’s supposed to heat things, but I’m looking through the window and nothing is happening) and if I’m not being given the space to conjure livestock, then I could at least have an abattoir added as a separate room.
Personally, I thought I should be getting into professional kitchen makeovers, but the man fixed me with a strange look and scuttled off without even handing me a flyer. And that was when I realised that I’d forgotten what realm I was in.
Look, it’s not MY fault that all the kitchens in this here realm are all…strange, and full of devices. They all it modern kitchen design, but I still think longingly of…the, uh…
Okay, I never actually went down to the castle kitchens. I just dined in the banquet hall and never had to cook a thing in my entire life. Maybe I’m not the best person to critique how people design their kitchens, it’s true. But I’ve seen at least one kitchen, and my basic request is that it be made more linear. If there were a place to design your own kitchen, I think just a big fire pit in the middle would be more my style. Enough space to conjure and slaughter livestock, I could cast a simple eternal flame charm to keep it going, and honestly, it’d be lovely and warm in the winter. Maybe people should try MY kitchen design before they knock it. Surely it’s less cluttered than all those boxes everywhere.
Although the big white one that keeps my drinks cold…that’s quite brilliant.