My mother gave me one piece of advice before she ran away to Paris with the gardener: “Sarah, if you’re going to invest in one thing, make it a decent handbag. You’ll actually end up paying way less in the long run. Maybe a nice small soft leather shoulder bag, unless you’re going to carrying a lot of things, in which case you can go a few sizes up.”
My mother’s final words of wisdom before she leaves us, and I couldn’t even do THAT right. Yesterday I noticed a hole at the bottom of my handbag, and then I also noticed that my car keys were gone, and I had to walk around for forty minutes before I finally found where they’d fallen out, and then I had to stick my arm down a sewer grate, and ALL of this could have been avoided if I’d only done what my mother asked and invested in a proper handbag. I mean, this is my fourth handbag in the space of a year, probably because a keep getting them from J-Mart and I keep wrecking them by forgetting about rotten apples and incidents with small knives that are ostensibly for protection but always seem to end up injuring me and me only when I’m rooting around for my keys. And then the holes, and the lost possessions.
No more, mother! I’m investing, finally. I use my handbag every single day, so why I haven’t made this decisions before is a mystery that can only be solved by knowing literally anything about me. Like how I’m stingy to the nth degree, and how I’m a bargain-hunter beyond all bargain-hunters, or how I continually make poor money choices, or how I’m likely to freak out if I’m shopping online and the shipping is anything above five bucks.
Well, no more. I’m going to invest in a gorgeous leather slouch bag, and all my equally-stingy friends will be totally jealous because my bag looks better and lasts longer. Probably should still try to hold off on storing fruit though.