Breathless Love Songs

So I was listening to a song today and I was like 90% sure that the lyrics were “I can’t hear the music when I chew.”

For the whole time I was at the gym I was just thinking ‘how loud does this girl chew?’ Now that I’m home, I’m thinking that she might have been saying “without you” but I don’t really know. Both of those things could work. I personally think it would be extremely bold, in a market saturated with songs about love, to sing a whole song about how you have trouble hearing songs because you’re really addicted to a food that sounds really loud, like tortilla chips. Those things drown out sound like a jet engine.

But then, I’m always thinking about songs more than the writer intended. Like, the other day I was listening to a song on the radio about how a girl feels like she can’t breathe without her man, and I was like, “Girl, that’s called dyspnea, we have hyperbaric oxygen therapy in Melbourne to deal with that sort of thing, and have you seen a GP? Did it start after a period of intense exercise, and have you been experiencing any back pain that may have contributed to the problem?”

See what I mean? If you’re going to write stupidly overcooked metaphors into your song, I WILL pull them apart. Seriously, just get yourself a portable oxygen chamber if it’s that much of a problem. You can complain about your boyfriend leaving you but also do nothing about what might be the onset of severe asthma, you know? Why is she even singing in the first place if she’s so short of breath? Singing is quite an intense activity if you do it for long enough.

Really hoping that story has a happy ending. Like, maybe her boyfriend comes back and he’s all like, “Babe, I’m sorry, and I’m going to make up for it by taking you to visit Melbourne’s best oxygen therapy chambers to treat your condition. Now hop in and let’s get you better, my honey-bunch.” That’d be beautiful. Less of the lovey-dovey metaphors and more real, tangible evidence that the guy cares.